Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
