Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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