I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
