I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
