My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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