Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
