I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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