I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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