My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
