you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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