you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
