what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Randomize
