I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Randomize
