shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
My bed smells like the plague
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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