On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
