You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
