im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
