I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
