dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
His hands were made for my vagina.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
