My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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