She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
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