I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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