I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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