dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
