Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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