I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
two words...techno handjob
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
