Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
