i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
