Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
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