from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
