I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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