Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
i would one night stand the shit outta him
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
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