I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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