I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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