I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
