What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
