i just wanna soil my oats bro
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
