i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
