this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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