Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
