She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
