so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
