if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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