had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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