I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
