I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
