I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
