I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
