Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
We talked him into tasing himself.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Randomize
