I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
