hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Who died my cat blue again?
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
