I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
