So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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