If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
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