haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
