Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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