I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
