I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
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