finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
