Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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