so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
